Back in the saddle

I had seriously the most glorious month “off.” Calling it a month off is almost laughable just because there is no such thing as time off, I mean not really. It’s mostly just where you’re putting your time and energy. During the month of September I did not put energy into client projects, I put it elsewhere. I kind of surprised myself in how little I picked up my camera. At the beginning of the month I envisioned myself doing more creative projects with my kids/for myself, but in reality that wasn’t the case. I still took photos, I can’t help myself. I didn’t force it though. I didn’t allow myself to give in to the pressure to create content or to force creativity when it wasn’t there. I got to just “be.” I prioritized being present with my kids, something that has shifted a bit since I started my business. It was really nice not feeling like I had to balance as much and we could just bake and craft and go wherever the wind blew us. I prioritized my physical health, another aspect that has shifted since starting my own business. Mostly, I gave myself grace to temporarily turn off part of my brain that has been working too hard lately.

My favorite, absolute favorite part of September? The lack of time spent thinking about social media. Wow. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to disconnect. As someone who has been slow to warm to sharing, who has put up walls and fought every step of the way to divulge into socials, I so loved being away from it. It reminded me of my life before my business, when I didn’t have a Facebook, when I didn’t use Instagram, and I just lived life. It is such a convenient tool, it’s such an asset to business and networking, but it can also feel like such a goddamn succubus. Sucking little bits of your soul as you waste time absorbing (mostly unnecessary) content. It’s terribly addicting.

I’ve also realized how much, how fast, how insanely frequent we’re seeing content on there. Since it’s shifted to reels and changed the algorithm, it’s no longer about sharing photos with your buddies. It’s about shoving as much content in your face in as short amount of time as possible and my brain fucking hates it. The same person could share the same photo about a million times and it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t be annoying, because my brain wouldn’t have even realized it saw it- it just blends in with the million others. As a business owner I always felt obnoxious sharing a post, then sharing to stories, then sharing to facebook, like repeating the same thing over and over. But the reality is, it’s not really obnoxious because people are consuming information and posts so quickly they easily could not have seen/processed it in the first place. Or they saw it but it doesn’t actually register with them. That’s just the name of the social media game these days, you can never share enough… and that’s where the trouble lies. Constantly posting, constantly engaging, constantly trying to keep up. But this month, this month I just.. stopped. You have to have a certain level of faith that people who genuinely appreciate your work will continue to follow along, so losing followers shouldn’t matter. You have to have other avenues of finding and reaching new clients. You have to let yourself to make like Meredith Marks and disengage, put your phone down. It’ll be there for you when you’re ready. I don’t have the bones for influencing. I don’t have the willpower to master the social media game. And I don’t have the vulnerability to really commit to sharing much of my life consistently.

Another double edged sword of social media is that it’s a beautiful pool of inspiration while at the same time it’s a total breeding ground for comparison and self doubt. As an artist I follow mostly other photographers, and I am always just blown away with the talent. There are so many people I admire, so many truly beautiful and kind people making beautiful works of art. Especially when you’re just starting out, but I’m sure it still continues for those who’ve been doing it a long time, but it’s really easy to kind of confuse inspiration with emulation. You can see someone’s photo, or see their feed/portfolio, and want to bring it into your own work. You have to let go of those feelings of wanting to be more like so and so, wanting your work to look like someone else’s, and allow yourself to work in a way that feels innate to yourself. I find myself as I type this out, going on extreme tangents within this topic. It’s inspired me to write a separate post on inspiration and finding yourself as an artist, so I’m going to put a pin on that subject for now and get back to my original train of thought.

Besides mommin’ it up and keeping social media at a distance this month, I also did one creative project for myself. Living in the midwest where there are no beaches (except for banks of the crick), no mountains (except for our baby rolling hills), and what can sometimes feel like a bit lack-luster locations compared to my friends out west, or Canada, or the coast (hehe, there I go again with the comparison problems), I felt like I needed a change of scenery from my studio, the fields, and the woods around me. I spent all summer keeping it simple and finding magic within walking distance of my front door. I wanted more of an adventure. Also proof that Ohio does have some truly beautiful gems of locations despite not having mountains or white sands. I heard of this spot from a friend of a friend of a friend in passing, and decided to scope it out. I loaded my 4 kiddos up one day, drove an hour, and ended up hiking for 3 hours with no snacks, no bathrooms, and a toddler with the tiniest legs. We’re big into the outdoors and aren’t strangers to spending our days walking around in the woods. We decided to make a day of it, I printed off scavenger hunt sheets and everything. The weather was perfecttttt. What should’ve been a little over a mile hike turned into a big huge ordeal. We veered off track (it’s not super well marked) and went quite a ways out of our way. 3 hours walking. Literally. We stopped basically long enough for my 2 year old’s little legs to catch up, and when he had to take an emergency dump off the trail. We made it though, with no meltdowns and my sanity in check, it was nothing short of a miracle. The view though, the sense of accomplishment, it was alllll worth it.

I was a little hesitant to reach out to my friends with my idea though. I have worked with them before and knew they liked doing things outside and would most likely. be up for the adventure, but I was kind of asking a lot. They live an hour and a half away from the location, it’s over a mile walk one way, and they’d be carrying a baby. I am SO thankful they jumped at the opportunity and it ended up being a really fun time (and good exercise).

Doing a creative project like this, something where I have control over the model, the outfit, the location, the styling, all of it- it’s good for the soul, good for my portfolio, but it’s also such a good learning opportunity for me. I loved not being rushed to deliver, not having a huge editing que waiting, and no expectations of the final result. I could manipulate the photos to my liking, I wasn’t worrying about if the client would like it or not. I wasn’t subconsciously making decisions based off of being well received. I was able to take one photo and edit it a hundred different ways. I was able to make bad art (yes, you need to do that sometimes) without feeling like there’d be a repercussion- I could just keep learning. I also didn’t have to worry about maintaining a certain “look” throughout the entirety of it, I could try different things based off the light, or the background, or whatever, and not have to change my mind because I felt like it didn’t fit in. Anyways. Find people who will go on these adventures with you, who will be patient with you, who will let you create without judgment, and who will fix your computer for you when you’re in a pickle.

It’s been the best month, for real. I hate how hustle culture has ruined the idea of resting. Resting is not lazy! Resting is part of the hustling process. How the hell can ya hustle if you’re burnt out? You can’t! Rest can look differently too. For me, resting wasn’t necessarily a physical rest. It wasn’t even really a rest from business or a rest from being a mom. I was still working, on my business, I was still doing things with my kids. It was a creative rest coupled with a social media break. It was a rest from the pressure of producing. It was a mental rest from directly serving my clients. It was space to just be without a ton of deadlines, demands, or going non-stop. It was time to be human. It was in no way lazy or “a step back.” It was part of the whole and an essential part of growing, serving, and becoming a better person, mom, photographer, and business owner. It’s in this period of rest that I was able to see clearly, assess parts of my business and personal life, make changes, figure out what serves me and doesn’t. I was able to take a second a feel grateful for my hard work. I was able to feel thankful for being a mother, for staying home with my kids- there was a time in my life when that job left me feeling lost and unfulfilled. There was also a time when I felt too consumed with work, their life was flashing before my eyes and I was too busy watching it from behind a computer screen. Marrying the two, having a good balance between family and work, having these periods of rest are essential. I’ll never feel guilty for slowing down, despite whatever kind of hustler that might make me.

Well, it’s Monday and I’m officially “back to work” and done with my month “off.” I’m feeling so incredibly ready for the busy month ahead. Last week I noticed my OCD and anxiety like, flaring up. Those of you who know me or who have been following along, know that I’ve shared my struggles with anxiety. I wasn’t sure what was triggering it at first, but then I realized it was because I was needing to get back to using the creative part of my brain again. Like I said, I haven’t really put effort into creating this month, I haven’t been on my computer very much at all, and it was like my body was telling me “okay! that’s enough! time to use another part of your brain now!” So perfect timing for getting back into the swing of things. I feel ready and rarin’ to go.. if only my sunflowers can share the same sentiment…

Here’s some of the work from my fun project back in September. You’ll notice, like I said, they aren’t necessarily consistent in their editing as I was trying a wholeeee bunch of different things out and I refuse to let my OCD completely dictate them.. I love them none-the-less. My inspiration comes from a feeling of an old photograph. Vintage, desaturated, like it’s been sitting in an attic for years while maintaining a certain level of “pretty.” I really like this idea of kind of like- black and white but not, so some of them have more of that feeling in them. Some I felt relished by having a bit more color. Despite being different, they all still feel like me.