Are we out of the woods yet?

I knew I had to do something . All the books say “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and crap like that (which honestly just felt like shitty advice because of how common sense and wonderful it sounds, but it’s so goddamn hard to put into practice). But as jumbled as my thoughts were it actually was super clear- I needed something for myself and to stimulate a part of my brain that had just lay completely dormant for years.

So naturally I decided grad school was the way to go!

It’s funny how things work out, and then they don’t. I was pretty gung-ho on going back to school. It felt good to be challenged again, but coping with :mom guilt” and completely our lives and schedules around kept weighing on me. I was on track to get into a PhD program in clinical psych. I had mentors, was studying my ass for the GRE, worked in a research lab. It was basically like I went from being dedicated to staying home to completely changing the rules on everyone. And I wasn’t totally sure I could pull it off with grace.

It was almost like the universe gave me an out when COVID shut down the research lab I was working in and the entire world pushed pause.

COVID lockdown + postpartum anxiety + back to square one of feeling lost and trying to find my way= desperately needing a break. But like… where? when the entire world is shut down? My family spends a lot of time in the woods and thankfully we are surrounded by them, so off I went. ALONE. Sometimes. When I could and when it wasn’t too inconvenient. And worked with Nick’s schedule. And didn’t mess up the kids’ routine too much.

But it was on these walks that the fog would lift, the anxious thoughts seemed to disappear, and I felt like I was wearing a different pair of glasses with much clearer lenses. Like I was seeing the world from a different perspective all of a sudden. I would take pictures on my phone, and it evolved in to me wanting to spend money on something beyond ridiculous that didn’t make sense because how could I possibly spend money on myself when the kids need diapers, and dance classes, and groceries….

…but I really wanted a camera. I guess I could give it the ole “and that’s the end of the story.” But really what I’m getting at here, is that’s just my beginning.