Wanna be friends?… :-)
I feel compelled to ‘go there’
It weighs on my mind often
Why our world is made up of boxes and wby it tries so hard force us in them
Like the boxes, labels, generalizations, rules and social norms are there to help us make sense of the world because we have to have a reason for everything.
And I’ll admit that it’s definitely helpful. Having guidelines, rules, standards, routines, they make our world go round. Social norms aren’t always a bad thing
But when you’re someone who feels like those boxes constrict you, when they suffocate you, when you can’t understand why there’s a box there because you know right outside that box there’s sunshine and rainbows and fresh cut grass, a whole world that is much freer than living within the confines of this safety measure- this box, you can really start to question what in the hell you are doing here.
Even if you can get along, mold to the norm, adapt, be quiet to please others as to not disrupt the peace of life in the box, just because you look and act like you fit in, theres this part of you that just doesn’t get it, and it doesn’t just “go away” because you pretend it’s not there.. And it can really screw with you, burn you up.
“Any woman who doesn’t give a fuck is simply abandoning her soul to adhere to the rules. No woman on earth doesn’t give a fuck- no woman’s that cool- she’s just hidden her fire. Likely, it’s burning her up.”
-Glennon Doyle
I’m really not trying to get THAT deep here. It definitely applies, believe me, to a bigger (arguably more important picture) but I’m not going into politics, or marginalized groups, or anything super controversial this time. This time, I’m talking about myself mostly (helloooooo why wouldn’t I)
and more specifically, trying to navigate adulthood feeling like a bit of an outlier,
and directly to the point… making + maintaining friendships as a mom.
Oh gosh, how it’s stressful. And you can get to this point of which is worse: feeling like you have no friends because nobody knows who you actually are since all you do is put on a facade and try to fit in -or- feeling like you have no friends because you’re the loner on the outside of the box.
It has been a common theme across many I’ve encountered:
why in the world is it so hard to have friends as a mom?
It’s stressful, it’s lonely, and it can feel like a daunting task trying to find “the right fit” and so many of us feel like we’re walking this path alone. Let’s make a list, shall we?
Things that make mom friend life hard:
*You’re exhausted to begin with, so the thought of trying to make a friend is at the bottom of your list
*You don’t think anyone can understand the total shitshow your life can be.. maybe you’re ashamed of your house (hey, we can’t all live in one that’s Pinterest worthy), your kids can feel like a handful, and you sure as hell don’t have the energy to put on a facade.
*Finding time to “hang out”, between work schedules, kids schedules, family commitments, sometimes its hard to find a pocket of time to eat and sleep, let alone hang out with your friends. It makes it easier when you have kids that have overlapping schedules or interests, but often times it doesn’t work out that way.
*Feeling like you have someone who you can be your authentic self with. You don’t have to worry about fitting in and being quiet to appease those in the box. Feeling understood in a way that goes deeper than what’s on the surface is a rare and special kind of friendship.
*Can I also say, I can be a really shitty friend. I forget to text back (I respond in my head, or I straight up forgot I read the message to begin with). I don’t have the energy to go and do stuff a lot- like I’m not a going out kind of friend really. I don’t like arranging babysitters and a lot of planning. I’m a please stop by my house unannounced and let’s drink on the back deck kind of friend. It can be a month, or two, and I haven’t seen you, because I can just lose track of time.
I’m not totally sure where I’m going with this, all this rambling about boxes and friends and burning your soul.
But it’s all relevant and I do know that the quest for mom friends seems to be a universal yearning. There are blog posts devoted to tips and tricks, groups on social media, and almost anyone I’ve talked to agrees in how tricky it is.
And when you feel like you’re one of those people who don’t quite fit in the box. Who might not be into the latest trends, or who parent differently, or live life a bit different paced or see it through different lens than others, despite it feeling impossible now, you will find your people.
But you can’t find them by being quiet and complying. You have to be yourself and express how you’re really feeling. If going to a mom play date at the park isn’t for you, don’t do it because you feel like it’s the only way to fit in. If you don’t want to send your kids to school right away, don’t do it because your neighbor is talking about signing their kid up for preschool and you want to make sure you’re doing what’s normal. And the judgment, ohhhhh the judgment we face as moms amiright?! Everyone has an opinion on EVERYYYYTHING, which makes it even harder to find your own voice and to use it.
However…
Most moms, they don’t want to be judged. And most moms, they just want a friend. A real one. An out of the box one.
There will be people out there, other moms like you, who are most comfortable not wearing a bra, not wearing makeup, and want to sit and drink coffee outside while the kids walk in the creek or run around the yard.
There will be people out there relieved when you don’t clean your house for them, and who truly don’t care how big your house is or what your space looks like.
There are also people out there who don’t live the same lifestyle as you, but who love you nonetheless. Who don’t expect you to remember their birthday, who parent differently, who don’t care if you don’t want to stay out all night, who aren’t offended when you forget to respond. They’re out there too.
The most important thing you have to do is be yourself. Don’t try change just because you want to feel like you fit in or you fear the judgment of others. And don’t get discouraged feeling like everyone else has all these friends and you’re just a bit on the outside trying to navigate life. I think most of us feel that way. Read the blog posts, join the mom groups, do the outings, do all the things if you want! And if you don’t, I promise your people are still out there, people who don’t want to do the mom groups or the outings. Your path will cross with the right person if it hasn’t yet. And those of you that have that friend who makes it feel effortless, who doesn’t make you feel judged, treasure that gem.
You don’t have to sacrifice what’s important to you or try to stiffen your feelings because you want to be “normal.” It’s okay to let old friendships that aren’t serving you, that are giving you anxiety, go. Let them go and let it be. And if you’re one of those moms who is in the trenches, who wonders if they’ll ever find their village, who finds trying to make friends in adulthood exhausting but equally longs to be seen, I see you. To the mom who is comparing herself to the other moms at the playground who all seem to know each other already and feels overlooked; or the one who sees other moms who are running and pushing their jogging strollers while holding a conversation with their bestie wondering if they’ll ever have that..
It’s okay. I’m with you and as long as you don’t allow yourself to get too sucked into trying to be something you’re not, just to make others more comfortable, in time you’ll find a friend.
It’s scary, being vulnerable and honest when you aren’t sure if you’ll be accepted. It’s funny, how even as adults we can still feel like we want other people to like us even if that means not being fully comfortable or feeling seen for who we are. It’s like you’re either in or you’re out. Who wants to be out? It’s lonely? But the views when you’re “out”, if you’re being authentic, those views are pretty great, and most likely you’ll find other people who agree with you.
