Expectation vs reality…and the beauty of the latter
who run the world? girls. fucking toddlers man.
hands down, 10/10, straight facts. anyone who disagrees clearly never had one.
the love running through our veins so deeply entwined with these ear piercing, messy faced, sticky handed, gremlins is insane. how else can you explain going from the feelings of being hit in the face, shit on, screamed at, and 2 seconds later having your heart melt from big sloppy wet kisses and big squeezes. they’re awful but so damn wonderful. and every single mother and grandmother on this earth (i’m sure the boys too? you guys like it too, right? maybe i shouldn’t leave you out), but every. single. one. wants nothing more than a nice freakin’ photo of everyone to put on the damn fridge. the amount of brain energy it takes to coordinate schedules (likeee around naps and of course the photographer wants to shoot at 7pm when they’re exhausted and past bedtime), outfits (and they’ll promptly throw up, trip in the dirt, something as you are walking out the door), it’s really just so, so much. as a mom of 4 with one still in the thick of toddlerhood.. i see you. i am you. i have been you for 7 years.
let me broach this from the other side now. let me be a voice of reassurance, of reason. toddlers are actually fantastic to photograph and one of the reasons photographers adore them so much is because they can’t help but be authentic. they wear their heart on their sleeve, for most don’t have the capacity or development to do anything but feel all their feelings. there isn’t much jaded societal expectation of “sit still” and “be quiet” isn’t in their vocabulary. it might make mom stressed, but i’m here to tell you, they can truly be a photographers dream.
There are some things that might help ease the pain of photo time with toddlers. let’s discuss:
the more rudimentary tidbits i’ll throw out there are:
make sure they’re well fed prior
dressed appropriately for the weather (plan a backup outfit for when they poop or throw up)
prep them by talking about it without overdoing it
but possibly the most important, and the topic i’m going to go most in depth on are expectations. ie keep your expectations in check. ideally, what if we reframed ideas of perfection? your photos do not have to look like golden hour rolling hills that are alive in the sounds of music. (i mean, there’s only one julie andrews, so come on.) i know, it’s what we have been fed. i struggle myself with getting caught up in these ideas of beauty needing to feel perfect. the beautiful dress! the landscape! the golden hour sky and glow with a slight breeze! let me ask you though:
-have you ever even visited said landscape before? do you hang out there regularly? or is it literally just a choice because it’ll look nice?
-would you ever wear that dress again? or is it literally. just a choice because it’ll look nice?
-does your child normally sit still and smile? or is that literally just because it’ll look nice?
if you can’t tell where i’m going with this, my point is that it’s not about looking nice. or really, it shouldn’t be.
(What is it about sitting and smiling at the camera that makes us associate it with a pretty picture? Is it because a smile is associated with happiness? It feels approachable? they must be happy, look at their smiles?)
I don’t know, I’m sure it’s all of those things, but I can think of a million other ways to capture happiness that feels more genuine and is less stressful.
i think, with toddlers especially, leaning into the current chapter of life is the most beautiful thing. you would never want them to do anything other than be themselves, why change that for the sake of pictures? i have found that the less i go through prompts and the more i lean into letting moments unfold naturally as they may, the more i love the images. i would love nothing more than for your photos to be an expression of your truth, of your current being, because i think that real is so much better than the illusion of perfection. perfect doesn’t have to look like flowy dresses in a field with the sunsetting and everyone smiling at the camera. toddler life is a great reminder of that.
Being able to do your photos in your home are a perfect way to encompass the beauty of your reality. Toddlers are usually more comfortable, you aren’t fooling with loading up and driving, it’s easier to let them run around to get solo photos of the parents or other siblings. I just so, so love to document life inside your walls. They can also be done at any time of the year, and aren’t super contingent on weather. If you are someone that really just doesn’t love the idea of doing them in home then I would suggest thinking about places you frequent, or documenting an activity you love doing together. Maybe you spend a lot of time in the water during the summer so it makes sense to do them at the lake and play in the water, maybe you are always talking walks in town or like going camping. it could be anything. The most important thing is reframe your idea of picture perfect and think about the love you share with your family. Think about the beautiful things that are being in the moment without trying to force anything.
So, while i am with you, momma. seeing your hard work and commitment to getting your fridge worthy moment-
i also hope to encourage you.
Let your family shine in all their seemingly imperfect moments. Please, wear the flowy dress in the field if that’s really what you want, but know that it’s not the only way to do things. There’s too much magic with the every day, messy faced, strong willed, sticky-handed gremlin just as it is. Give yourself permission to see it, and to let that truth be turned into art, because it really is so beautiful. Take the pressure off of yourself. Give yourself some grace. Know that you can go off script and not need all the bells and whistles of what you might think of when you think “family photos.” From one mom to another, it’s a lot less stressful that way.
