Light and shadows
I wrapped up with clients for the year over the weekend, sending off my last gallery for 2022. It was a wonderful note to end on, and perfectly timed to allow for plenty of time to put all of my energy towards myself and my family during the holiday season. More so than the nonstop crazy of the holiday season, I feel the weight of the longest shadows of the year resting on my body. It was almost like i pushed “publish” on my client gallery, exhaled, and became subsumed in the dark hug of the earth that is short, grey days and long nights. The time of the shadows. There’s beauty there, but it requires stillness. When you try to fight it, it creates friction, unrest, and can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Like you aren’t doing enough, like you feel guilty for not being as productive or as chipper as you do during the longer days of light. You eat too much and feel lazy, you move slower and even the most mundane of tasks seem to require a pep talk and extra push to get started. Instead of fighting it, I’m trying to lean into it. Using the time of the shadows as a time of reflection and turning inward. Using it as a time of intentional rest and slowness. It’s like the yin and yang of things, leaning into the ebbs and flows and riding it like a wave. It can look different for everyone. Much like everyone’s definition of productive looks different, everyone’s threshold of stimulation is different, everyone’s body is different, dealing with this time of year also looks different.
Not being over scheduled. Im purposely not working outside of the home and taking on clients during this time of year. I will not be attending every holiday party and get together. This time of year there’s sooo many invitations to gather with family and friends. I would love to like.. spread them out? Circle back in January? It’s just too much for me and my family. I will not pack my days full doing all the things but most importantly not setting an expectation of needing to DO so many things. If we don’t spend every hour of every day making gingerbread houses, baking cookies, decorating and crafting… we will survive.
Slowing down is doing something in my opinion and I’m at peace with that. The dishes will get done. The kids will be fed. We will all be merry and bright but we can do it without trying to go at 100% full blast. I also think it’s imperative for their well-being, not just mine. Their bodies are going through so much, their minds are so incredibly overstimulated and they also are dealing with short days trapped inside more than they care for. They need to learn it’s ok to slow down. They need extra guidance and time to navigate the changes in the time of year. Not to mention how easy it is to get sick this time of year, so making sure we/they are taking care of their physical as well as their mental health is a top priority for me.
Focusing on being present. Sometimes that looks like sitting in the chair watching my kids play in the living room. Other times it’s chatting with a friend face to face and losing track of the time. Exercising. Writing or reading. Allowing myself to be in the moment and not worry about to do lists, schedules, and if I’m doing enough.
Turning out the noise. I recently deleted the social media apps off of my phone. Something is pulling me to stop scrolling, to stop wasting time with it (it also takes away from being present), and to just let it go for a while.
I feel like I’m being called to something deeper creatively. I don’t know what it looks like, but it has literally felt like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. I know without a doubt that it’s my period to rest and not force creation. My wheels are turning, the sensation of wanting to create is still there. But I’m going to approach it from a place of “come as it may.” If that means in 4 weeks I haven’t touched my camera, ok. It feels like every time I’ve picked it up since wrapping up with clients, I suck. I’ve been making some very shitty creations. I don’t feel like myself, I don’t know myself. I feel like I’m trying to create like I’m someone I’m not. I have faith in my process and know I’m about to be propelled forward, but it’s all tying in together with these short periods of daylight and extended darkness approaching the solstice.
Since I deleted the social media apps off my phone, not only is it helpful with being more present, it also takes away any external, subconscious pressure to create and eliminates any unnecessary self deprecating feelings of not being good enough much like I was talking about earlier. Im hoping by giving myself space it’ll allow me to unlock a level I haven’t yet. I’m hoping to create from a place of different external influences other than my peers or what I see when I scroll Insta, and relying more so on my own internal without needing to be on a timeline.
It feels like a wonderfully, necessary time to let the shadows have their moment and be still, reflect, and know that with the darkness comes light. Im trying to let things happen as organically as I can allow. I have so many thoughts on this year coming to a close and a new one beginning. I have goals and hopes and ambitions I’m so excited to be sharing. But-
There is a time to work and a time to rest.
So now, I rest.
Take care of yourselves. Longer days are coming and the sun will show itself soon.
