World’s Okayest Mom.

What are we doing here……?

The amount of times you think to yourself

‘Dear god (insert whatever deity/third party you talk to) please don’t let me screw them up too much.’

Margaret from the Real Housewives says kids are resilient, send them to therapy they’ll be fine- and if you aren’t getting your parenting advice from Bravolebrities then really, what are you even doing here? 

For real though, the amount of hours I have spent of my parenting life worrying about everything I’m doing to mess my kids up, well, if I actually tracked it I bet it’d be a LOT. 

I told my two year old he was being an asshole when he was throwing a temper tantrum getting in the car. 
I was buckling in his one year old sister, with a big pregnant belly, about to tackle the joys of the grocery store and he had the audacity to act like a toddler. I can remember specifically:
“Dude, you’re being an asshole right now. Just stop” (pretty much screaming at the kid)

and a few minutes later, settled in the car finally,

“Mom I’m sorry for being an asshole”

(in the most innocent, adorable two year speech)

Cue my tears. 
I mean come ON. The fuck is wrong with me? Telling my two year old he’s acting like an asshole? He was definitely acting like one, as we know toddlers do- it’s kind of their job description. But I know, really not cool for me to call him out on it. 

Not to mention the time, okay multiple times, *i* was an asshole to *them*? Like when they fling open the bathroom door when I’m trying to use the bathroom and I scream “CAN I JUST SHIT IN PEACE.. please!” 

The worst is when you put in a ton of effort and start really calm and polite. You go full Daniel tiger on them. 

Hattie, I see you’re feeling really angry. Marley’s not sharing with you. I can’t let you hurt her. Let’s take some space so we can calm down. 

NOOOOOOOOO! I DONT WANT TO!!!!!!! MARLEYS BEING MEAN!!! NOOOOAHHHHAKEMFNAJAKKEJFNFNAJKEJRJFNMHAJK!! <<<<that’s toddler speech for the wailing and indescribable sounds coming from their body

And sure there are some days you can ride that wave with them and keep your Daniel tiger zen. But there are times when after being calm and nice for the first few times, you are just fucking SPENT. Done. And you yell at them and send them to their room where they continue their rampant tirade. 

And generally speaking, after all of it, you feel like crap. You feel the weight of your responsibility- this immeasurable responsibility of forming someone’s life. Shaping who someone is. Writing their memories. 

Holy hell, the pressure! And you think, please God. Please. Please, please tell me I’m not ruining them. 

I think we’d all be better off if there was one episode, just one, of Daniel Tiger’s mom losing her shit. Just one,

”GODDAMMIT DANIEL! I SAID IT ONCE AND NOW I’M SAYING IT AGAIN, STOP IT.”

I do think there are so many resources out there for parents on how to talk to their kids, what to expect, how to handle adversity and whatnot.. And a lot of how NOT to act. But where are the ones saying “you are going to lose your temper and make mistakes and it’s normal” there needs to be an overwhelming amount of those. 

You are first and foremost a human. I think it’s a fact often overlooked when you first get pregnant and then enter in to parenthood. It feels like society says, no, you’re SUPERHUMAN. You grew a new life and you know what to do! You know your baby!
…No I don’t, it’s actually a stranger I’m just meeting and I’m trying to figure all of this shit out feeling like the entire world is judging every move I make, has an opinion on what’s right, and knowing that every single decision I make from here on out directly impacts the life of another. Not to mention the actual chemicals in my body have completely changed their makeup, I don’t sleep, my boobs leak and I pee when I sneeze. 

Parenting is hard. Hard hard. You’re trying to learn who you are as a new person while trying to do everything right by the ones who depend on you to have all the answers. You are allowed to have your own temper tantrum sometimes. We show grace for these tiny humans who are still learning. We love them unconditionally. Why not yourself? You’re still learning. And maybe, by giving yourself some grace you’re giving yourself room to fumble, allowing room to connect with your kids. Imagine too, if your kids know from the beginning that we’re all going to say and do things we shouldn’t, but there aren’t conditions to your love. Kids are mirrors right? So instead of focusing on what they are hearing and seeing when we’re at our worst, when we’re yelling at them and losing our patience, what if we could change our mindset and think.. they’re going to mirror me amending when I’ve done wrong. They’re going to see me screw up and make it right. They’re going to mirror the unconditional love I give to them. They are going to learn what it means to be a human with feelings and not a robot fearing judgment for having a hard time.

You are human even before you are “mom” or “dad”

Perfect doesn’t exist and judgment doesn’t help. 

And when you have those days, when all you can think about is 

“what in the hell am I doing here?”

“Im trying to do the right thing, I have a lot of tools to help me navigate all of this, and I’m STILL failing today”

Or when all you can do is pray that you aren’t screwing them up as bad as you think,

Know you are one in a million of us thinking and going through the same thing. There’s a certain level of pressure taken off when you don’t feel like you’re the only one struggling. I’m going to try and get through today earning the title of  “the worlds okayest mom who is doing her best” and “the worlds most annoying mom who tells her kids she loves them more than she yells at them” 

I’ll still worry and pray and keep my fingers crossed it works out.