Transcending
I have always struggled with change. Growing up, i thrived having traditions and felt doom when the inevitable life changes struck. As teen all the way through my twenties, my OCD and anxiety ran rampant and control was my way of coping- especially the days of navigating early motherhood Trying to adjust to the extreme transition and relearning how to live as a whole person, the comfort of routine and schedules was the only way I scraped by.
A lot has changed since those days in my twenties. My kids are older and more independent, my body is not the same, my mindset has shifted, and I find I no longer rely on control to get me through.
Since picking up a camera in late 2019/early 2020, I’ve found myself unearthing in a way that opened myself up to change rather than fearing it. I found, in so many ways, that letting my body and my mind go through the shifting tides rather than try to fight it, has been one of the most liberating part of digging myself out of the cold, anxious and unsettling ground.
fun fact:
my outfit is an homage to the first self portraits I ever took in my studio space- this is the same turtleneck
Speaking of change, this past weekend, I moved out of my studio. When I first started taking photos, I converted a space in my home so I could devote more time to my craft. It was not ideal, but buddy did I ever make it work. It became a safe-haven. A place to shut out the world and create. I have long since outgrown this space. I want the space back for my family and a more ideal location for my art. I felt a ping of sadness, as I started ripping up floor, tearing down backdrops, and getting rid of a lot of my things. Rather than let it create anxiety, I am welcoming this change. Things are uncertain. I do not know what I am going to use for a studio space. I do not know how long it’ll take me to figure it out. Despite the uncertainty, my heart feels settled (much unlike an earlier version of myself).
a re-creation of one of my favorite images taken in the studio
Not having a studio space as I approach “indoor photo season” feels.. weird. It means more in-home and on-location shoots for a while, or coming up with something make-shift in the mean time. It means finding new ways to be creative with my self portraits. It means transcending into uncharted waters and letting go of how I am used to doing things.
As the winter months are creeping in, and as I personally near the end of my 2023 client work, I can feel myself winding down. I am anticipating the time of stillness to create space for myself to evolve. Normally, I have thoughts and ideas, goals for expanding and growing my business the following year. I feel differently right now. I feel excited about not knowing. It is still a little scary, not having as clear of a vision for the next 12 months as I normally do. I feel like saying goodbye to my old home studio space is such a marker of growth and giving myself time to daydream is exactly where I need to be. I am so thankful for learning that change does not have to be a bad thing.
