You should go and love yourself

“You look.. funny”

-my 4 yr old daughter to me, referencing my mascara. It was a special mommy/daughter outing, so we both got dolled up. She, in her favorite dress. Me, I can’t remember what I was wearing, but I must’ve felt the urge to put on makeup. 

Right before we left the house, I washed it all off. 

I feel like most of my teen/early adult life, the amount of time I felt like I needed to apologize for my face is uncanny. 

I’ve been really lucky that most of my life growing up I had mostly clear skin. When I was pregnant with my 4th, out of nowhere it seemed, my face blew up with painful, full blown cystic acne. I felt mortified, unrecognizable, and ashamed. My oldest was 4 at the time, and was learning to ice skate. At the end of the year they had a recital, where they had practiced a choreographed ice skating routine to a song and all the parents + public were able to come watch. I nearly didn’t go. I sat in the bathroom bawling, trying to figure out how in the world I could possibly show my face when it looked so, horrible. I legitimately contemplated missing out on my little boys recital, because I thought my face was offensive. I knew everyone would stare at it. Everyone who had seen me and knew me would wonder what in the hell was going on with my face. As someone who thought they were comfortable in their own skin, as someone who already had it on their brain to be mindful and kind to myself because little eyes are on me, I was shooketh. 

Was I only confident because I thought I fit normal beauty standards? Is that even real confidence? Maybe I’m not really confident at all. 

But that moment, the moment I debated missing out on an important moment in my kids life, that’s when I decided to start digging deeper and make it a mission to love myself. 

I have two little girls. I decided that I wanted to be very careful about how I talked to myself refraining from phrases like “I feel ugly today” or “I feel fat”. I always let them take my picture without comments about my physical appearance. I also decided to make their relationship with their face different than mine growing up. 

I was wearing makeup before I was in middle school. The most formative years of finding myself, I was altering my face. It snowballs into a point where I couldn’t leave the house without it. It was a big deal when I was seriously dating someone, for them to finally see me without my makeup on. I had friends who literally just never took it off. If I had one pimple on my face, it was the end of the world. I can remember when I wouldn’t wear it, it was greeted with comments like “wow you look tired” or “are you sick?” When our volleyball coaches banned us from wearing excess foundation because it stained our volleyball jerseys, it was like somebody dropped a bomb. There was rebellion, because we HAD to look cute while we’re sweating our asses off.. our boyfriends were there watching! 

I feel like I was basically conditioned by my environment to learn that my face was not okay as it is naturally. Everyone else wore it, comments were made if you didn’t, and it was all about being pretty. There were also many conversations growing up, like the real reason girls wore makeup was not to impress the boys, but to one-up the other girls. We were competing with each other not because we cared about getting the boys approval, but because we kept comparing ourselves to the other girls. Looking back, that’s a hard thought to digest as a reality. That we, as young women, need to be held to certain standards because we feel so lousy about ourselves compared to the next girl. That was before the time of social media scrolling and influencers even. Now it has to be a million times worse. 

Wearing makeup was one of those things where I always felt like I was just a bit on the outside. I’ve mentioned it before, like I’ve just felt like I wasn’t quite the same as everyone else. I wanted to fit in, but there was something always holding me back from fully immersing myself in what everyone else was doing

By the time I became a mom the real shifts started happening. I never got wore it around the house. I was determined for my kids to see my face and to see me be okay with it. I’d stop wearing makeup to the grocery store. I stopped wearing it to the park. Little by little I just stopped. 

It was HARD. Like, hard hard. I felt vulnerable. I felt ugly sometimes. I felt judged. I felt like I couldn’t wear a cute outfit unless I had cute makeup too. I felt like I wasn’t truly “cleaned up” unless I had a full face on. The worst was I would tell myself in the beginning when I was first starting down this self love exploration, was that I’d only wear it on “important occasions” like weddings, going out for a friends birthday, things like that. And the reason wasn’t because I wanted to “feel cute” it was because I legitimately thought it was offensive for me to show up with a bare face. I think people assume you’re lazy, dirty, tired, unprofessional when you aren’t made up. I thought my friends, people I love and adore, would reject me and feel uncomfortable or upset because I wasn’t presentable enough with my bare face. I hate this narrative. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE it. 

I know for a fact I’m not the only one who shares these thoughts because the amount of times I’ve heard this sentiment from my peers is unreal. The amount of conversations I’ve had on the topic is insane. So yes, I’m speaking for myself and my own experience, but this is one instance where I don’t think I’m the only one who has felt this way. It makes me feel like as women we were conditioned to believe our our natural, bare face isn’t good enough to be loved and accepted. 

I am not anti makeup, this isn’t some campaign to try and convince the world that nobody should ever wear it. Every now and then, I still do. My experience with it has greatly changed though. My relationship with it has changed. I don’t need it. I don’t feel lazy or unprofessional when i show up without any on. I don’t view my pimples or my wrinkles as a hindrance, but as a reminder that I’m human. I feel proud in the efforts that I’m making to help my girls appreciate their own looks. Will they still have confidence issues? Yup. Will they still wear makeup, will they still use makeup as a crutch? I wouldn’t be surprised if they do. (My boys might too). Im not trying to teach them that makeup is the devil. But I cannot teach them to love themselves or to be comfortable in their own skin if I’m locked in the bathroom crying because I have acne and am fearful of others opinions when I go out. I cannot teach them to give themselves grace if I don’t extend it to myself. I can’t teach them that it’s okay to not do what everyone else is doing, if I’m constantly going against my own true self to fit in or make others comfortable. I’m hopeful that by changing the narrative around it then maybe, possibly, hopefully, my kids won’t ever have to feel like their own face isn’t okay just the way it is. 

I am able to talk nicely to myself and it not be forced for the sake of my kids. The funny thing that’s happened since I stopped using makeup as a coverup is I was forced to see my own self in the mirror. I can remember as a kid I would avoid mirrors, like if I didn’t see myself it meant I wasn’t as ugly as I felt. Now as an adult, I see myself in the mirror a lot. I see the wrinkles, and often times consider Botox. I have an extreme amount of expensive makeup, nail polish, perfumes, hair straighteners and curling irons. The works. It’s okay to do whatever you want to feel good about yourself, to feel confident. What that has looked like for me, has been sitting with “my ugly” and staring at myself in the mirror. The best part about is, that by seeing my face as it is regularly, I’ve learned to not just tolerate it, I, actually, I love it. I’ve sat with myself long enough, told myself enough times that I’ve started to believe I’m beautiful. I’m okay with my face. I have put makeup on and felt like I didn’t recognize myself so I’ve washed it off. I’m at a place where my decision to wear, or not wear it, is nothing deeper than “just because I want to”. There are no strings attached to wearing it. It is not to make someone else feel comfortable, to fit in with my friends or compete with other women, it’s not to attract a mate or look professional and cute and that is a very refreshing place to be. It feels much freer, lighter. 

And when my 4 year old daughter tells me I look funny when I have it on,  I feel a glimmer of hope. She is so used to seeing my face without it that makeup is foreign to her at this point. Maybe she’ll have a chance to have a relationship with it that isn’t directly related with her self esteem. Maybe she won’t avoid the mirrors. Maybe she can love what she sees in the mirror before she’s 32. I don’t know- I know I can’t control these things, not really, but I can’t ignore the parental urge to try. 

It’s a hard, hard process. It’s an uncomfortable place to be- vulnerable. I don’t like sitting there, most of the time. Whether it was learning to love my nakey face, decisions I’ve made as a parent, figuring out how I fit in to this world, I’m constantly pulled at what other people think vs where my heart leads. I hate the thought of offending someone. I would rather be quiet than confrontational. And part of me is convinced I’m writing all of this and someone is going to be offended by what I’m saying, like I’m judging someone for not viewing the world the same as me. That’s never my intent. This is all just part of my bigger picture of evolution. Of my own personal growth. Im doing what I can to share my opinions without censorship for fear of starting problems. Im trying to be okay with sharing my out of the norm ideas so that i can continue to live my life in a way that feels  authentic to me. 

I don’t fully “love myself unconditionally” not yet. I give a lot less fucks though.

I think if I continue to be patient and as honest with myself as I can be, Im going to continue to become my real self. She's in there. And the more I remind myself of that, the more I believe it.