A crippling case of perfectionism
I have tried to write this a million times. I write a little, stop and delete. Here I am trying to talk about perfectionism and I can’t even write the damn thing because I can’t stop overanalyzing every fucking sentence.
Straight up: I think perfectionism can be a death trap especially when it comes to art and creativity.
Why? Because it prevents you from getting where you need to be. It keeps you from being vulnerable, from tapping in to creative unknowns. It doesn’t allow for error which in turn doesn’t allow for growth. You miss moments, opportunities, and beautiful photos because you’re too scared to try (and fail). You’re setting standards that you’ll never be happy with. And wouldn’t it be cool to just simply be excited about something- like taking. a photo- and not having any strings attached to it? You’re straight up limiting yourself when all you’re doing is striving for perfection. And if you really, really, want to get in to it; what is perfection? What makes something perfect? I don’t know, it’s starting to get awfully philosophical around here. I’m moving on.
Looking back on my experience and evolution since starting into this new chapter, delving into photography and what have you, my biggest revelation has been the hinderance perfectionism and OCD when trying to become who I feel like I’m meant to be as an artist. I already knew it was a pain in the ass in my personal life, but I didn’t realize how it was such a prevalent issue when it came to photography.
For as long as I can remember Ii’ve been the type that has to have everything in its place and I hate, hate, HATE clutter. I have a hard time being vulnerable and don’t like it when I’m wrong. It hurts my feelings when other people don’t like me, but I’ll always put on a brave face like it doesn’t bother me because accepting failure or not being good enough for someone isn’t an option.
In parenthood I spent most of my days making sure my house was obsessively cleaned and everything was in order (a nearly impossible task considering we’ve been doing major renovations on our house), and I never asked anyone for help.
Now since starting into photography and work I don’t rage clean my house every single free second of my life I ask my husband and my family for help when I need it. In a lot of ways photography has been incredibly healthy for helping with my OCD tendencies. The unfortunate thing is that I definitely see my perfectionism flaring up in my photog life. And though striving for excellence sounds like a good thing…and sometimes maybe it is… in my case it feels like a complete hindrance.
In the beginning, the thought of putting myself out there was so terrifying because I wasn’t sure I could stand the thought of not being accepted. Can I just crawl in a hole and die if people think I suck? Like how would I deal with that? And to this day that feeling still sticks with me and keeps me from sharing too much. I feel like I need to keep some work near and dear to my heart only for me to appreciate, or criticize, or hate, whatever the feeling might be. I can remember the first session I did for someone outside of my family. I spent hours agonizing about “how do I make these to where they’ll like them??” And “what if they still hate them??” What happened was I spent so much of my life worrying, trying to control how I’d be perceived, trying to make every single photo perfect…and they really liked their photos so that should mean it’s a good thing, right? WRONG. No. I still felt insufficient. I hated them. I saw every flaw, and really all I could see was where I wanted to be in 5 years and I felt upset that I wasn’t there now.
I want to run a marathon and win first place before I even learn to walk. And when I don’t win I see it as a total failure.
Even now it’s still hard. I feel like I’m not doing enough and my brain always goes to what I could’ve done better. It’s almost like non-stop questioning my every move. Being surrounded by talent, both in real life and virtually, it’s like I’m walking a fine line of feeling amazing and proud of what I’m doing and extreme disappointment like it’s just not quite enough. It’s really hard to process inspiration, imitation, imposter syndrome, and just finding your place somewhere in between.
Finding your place requires a certain level of trust, in yourself, in the process, etc. Grit, yes. Creativity, yes. But a whole lot of magic is to be made when you can relinquish a bit of control and know that in the sea of variables your perspective (that’s uniquely you btw), your voice shines through. Knowing this but not being able to fully commit to practicing it- now that’s the nature of the beast. That I believe, is what you could call ironic.
Maybe you’re already confident in how amazingly awesome you are. You don’t let perfectionism hold you back. I strive to be like you! But maybe you’re like me. Just going through the trenches pushing yourself to be the best you can. Sometimes even setting unattainable goals or standards, and beating yourself up when you can’t reach them. My hope for you would be this:
Share what you like and create whatever you want. It doesn’t have to make sense or be good. Share it anyway. You don’t have to be perfect to deserve appreciation or be worthy of something. Forget likes. Forget what everyone else is doing. The only way to get where you want to be is to roll with the imperfection rather than fight to try and manipulate everything to be perfect. Don’t let yourself get so lost in perfect that you forget to just create.
Like I said in the beginning, I keep writing and deleting all of this. I feel phony as fuck writing this out like I have any room to talk. Who am I to be spewing advice or thoughts of how important it is to not try and be so damn perfect all the time? But this isn’t meant to be advice or some expert opinion. I’m just getting my thoughts out and sharing my perspective. And know that I’m mostly talking to myself right now- as a reminder for me to put some of this into practice.
Final thoughts:
Perfection is relative.
Perfection is a myth.
Sit on that a while.
