Permission
About a month ago, I engaged in a conversation with a fellow artist. This person is insanely talented, in my eyes legitimate, and someone I so admire. Ie- I found their work on Insta, immediately fell in love, shared one of their images and they kindly responded. They offered feedback on my work, a small nod that they took time out of their day to look back through even older pieces, and I am just so incredibly thankful for the words they left me with. It was along the lines of:
At first glance I assumed you were all aesthetic
But then I saw there was actual raw emotion and talent there
And I know this comes off as a backhanded compliment, and some people might even interpret it as a negative But it was coming from an incredibly unbiased, honest and thoughtful place and I’m telling you it had struck such a cord with me What I have taken from it is:
PERMISSION.
From day one, I have felt deeply conflicted between creating for myself vs for a client/audience. There are expectations of consistency, curated feeds, and cute photos. I put expectations on myself of needing to create in order to generate income/justify creating, and trying to put out work I assumed the average joe would be into.
And my heart has sung so many songs begging for me to listen to it.
To stop creating with the weight of expectation like concrete blocks strapped to my shoes
And to just release.
Be untamed, run wild, and be unapologetically myself.
Will I have as many clients? Doubtful… and honestly I hope not. Not because I don’t like who I work for. My god if I could sing the graces of my clients turned friends, I would climb the highest mountain and sing to high heaven. These people are WONDERFUL.
But I was working too much and too hard. Point blank. Will I make as much money? Unsure. Will it resonate with everyone? That I have already known the answer to (no) and it’s why I’ve shied away from even really trying.
But there’s the chance that I’ll start seeing what is behind other doors. I know what is behind door number one, I’ve walked through that one already. Now, theres the opportunity for something else to unfold, and I’m starting to see what the views are like on the other side of some of these doors.
Most importantly, I’ll be happier and that alone makes it a risk I’m willing to take.
Back in December, I wrote an entry about how I wouldn’t be setting New Year’s resolutions, I’d take my time and let my goals and ambitions unearth when the ground was soft enough for me to start digging. One of the thoughts that I’ve held on to was to only do projects that i felt aligned with me creatively. Making as much money as I could, working as much as I physically could, saying yes to every inquiry, it no longer served me. So far this year I’m definitely on the right track. It’s a luxury to feel like I can be so picky, but what I was doing before wasn’t sustainable and I felt like all it was doing was creating this distance between where I am and where I’m supposed to end up along my creative path.
Every creative has their own parameters, goals, and necessities both as an artist and as a business entity, mine looks a lot like :
wants- to be busy baking bread, picking flowers, and taking photos from my heart. helping other creatives along their path. create art with beautiful people ive gotten to know and connect with.
does not want- to be attached to my computer feeling detached from my main job as mom, feeling like everything i create sucks, having to pick between a having a photoshoot or spending time with my family, mind constantly tuned into the business aspect of photography and not respecting the artistic need to sit fucking still and dance with the wood fairies.
And that is the gist of where my current train of though lies.
If you are a client reading this, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your patience, your acceptance, and the opportunities to document so many amazing things together. I genuinely hope we continue to vibe. If you are another creative, especially to the one who gave me the courage to pull up my boot straps, thank you helping me give myself permission to create without boundaries. I hope you are all slaying your goals, even if they don’t look like baking bread and dancing with the wood fairies. I hope you’re working with clients who make your hearts burst with joy. I hope you’re charging your worth and making bank. I hope you find it within to keep going, and give yourself permission to be authentic in what you do. And if you see another creative who in some way resonates with you, I hope you tell them. I hope you let them know how they inspired you. It is not annoying, weird, or creepy, it’s reassuring.
I cannot tell you the number of folks who in some way have let me know they believe in me, and the boost of energy it gives has helped me believe in myself. Even though I always have, we all know how the self doubt can overcome like the plague, and one tiny little “I see you” is game changer. I am so excited to see what kind of doors I start walking through.
